Something Very Beautiful for Jesus

THE PRIVATE VOW, A FOLLY OF LOVE

Ask Jesus not to allow me to refuse Him anything,
however small. I [would] rather die.
—Mother Teresa


"This Is What Hides Everything in Me"
In the years following her final profession, Mother Teresa's passionate love for Jesus contin¬ued to prompt her to seek new and hidden ways of expressing her love. The most striking of these was an exceptional private vow she made in April 1942: "I made a vow to God, binding under [pain of] mortal sin, to give to God anything that He may ask, 'Not to refuse Him anything.'" God had been kindling in her an ever-greater

Something Very Beautiful for Jesus 29
intensity of love that moved her to make this magnanimous offer-ing. Only later did she explain the reason for it: "I wanted to give God something very beautiful"2 and "without reserve."3 This vow, truly a folly of love, expressed Mother Teresa's desire to "drink the chalice to the last drop" as she resolved to say "Yes" to God in all circumstances.
This private vow was one of Mother Teresa's greatest secrets. No one except her confessor, whose guidance and permission she sought in this matter, knew about it. Well acquainted with the depth of her spiritual life, he concluded that her daring request to bind herself in this way was not based on mere whim nor aimed at a dan-gerous or impossible ideal. It was, rather, built on her notable fi¬delity to commitments and already well-established habit of always seeking to do what was most pleasing to God. That her confessor granted her permission for her to undertake such an obligation con-firms his confidence in her human and spiritual maturity.
When Mother Teresa finally referred to her special vow seven-teen years later, she revealed its significance: "This is what hides everything in me."4 The vow was indeed hiding the depth of her love for God, which motivated all her actions, especially her uncon-ditional surrender to His will. Her encounter with the immensity of His love called for her response, as she would later explain:
Why must we give ourselves fully to God? Because God has given Himself to us. If God who owes nothing to us is ready to impart to us no less than Himself, shall we answer with just a fraction of ourselves? To give ourselves fully to God is a means of receiving God Himself. I for God and God for me. I live for God and give up my own self, and in this way induce God to live for me. Therefore to possess God we must allow Him to possess our soul.5

30 Mother Teresa
Love for Love
In embracing this new obligation, Mother Teresa was yearning to return love for love in a more radical way. One of the paradoxes of genuine love is that the lover freely wishes to bind him or herself irrevocably to the beloved. It was this mysterious feature of love that moved Mother Teresa to seal the total offering of herself by means of a vow and thus tangibly express her longing to be fully united with her Beloved. To the one less advanced on the road of love, this total surrender and complete conformity to God's will might seem a complete loss of freedom. But the one who truly loves seeks to realize the desire of the beloved, to fulfill his expectations even to the least detail. Thus for Mother Teresa the vow was the means of strengthening the bond with the One she loved and so ex¬periencing the true freedom that only love can give.
Mother Teresa would have read about the practice of making pri¬vate vows in the spiritual literature of her time.
Irish Jesuit Father William Doyle, made numerous private vows, as he found this practice a help in keeping his resolutions. One such vow, which he made in 1911 and renewed from day to day until he could obtain permission from his confessor to make it permanently, was: "I deliberately vow, and bind myself, under pain of mortal sin, to refuse Jesus no sacrifice, which I clearly see He is asking from me."
Sister Benigna Consolata Ferrero also made a number of private vows, for example the vow of doing all for love, the vow of aban-donment, the vow of perfection, and the vow of humility. Referring to this last vow, which she first made in 1903, she wrote: "My Jesus wishes that I should make the vow of humility, which consists, He told me, in recognizing that I am nothing without the aid of God, and in desiring to be unknown and despised. He told me to execute without delay or hesitation all that He had asked of me."

Something Very Beautiful for Jesus 31
An edition of the autobiography of St. Therese of Lisieux that circulated at the time included the Bull of Canonization of St. Therese of the Child Jesus, by Pope Pius XI, which stated: "Inspired by the Holy Spirit she longed to lead a most holy life and promised earnestly that she would refuse God nothing He should seem to ask of her, a resolution she endeavored to keep until death." Reading about this promise of her patron saint as well as the private vows made by Fr. Doyle and Sr. Benigna Consolata no doubt inspired Mother Teresa and influenced her to do the same.
Mother Teresa's understanding and practice of making vows was also greatly influenced by her cultural background. Having been raised in a family that was strongly rooted in its Albanian tra¬ditions, she was acquainted with the highly revered and treasured practice of besa (as it is known in her native language) or "word of honor." Because besa demands absolute fidelity to one's given word, it has an almost sacred character as an oath or a vow; it cannot be broken, even at the cost of one's life. Mother Teresa would later explain: "They [Albanians] have a word, besa, which means even if you have killed my father and the police are after you, if I have given you my word, then even if the police kill me, still I will not disclose your name."6 In the light of her upbringing, Mother Teresa's pri¬vate vow took on added gravity: She was determined to be faithful to her word given to God, even at the price of her life.
"Not to Refuse Him Anything"
For almost eleven years, Mother Teresa had faithfully lived her vow of obedience. As a fervent Loreto sister, she believed that her reli-gious superiors took the place of Christ, and therefore in conforming her will and judgment to theirs and submitting to their commands, she was submitting to Christ Himself.7 Though she endeavored to

32 Mother Teresa
live the demanding vow of obedience to perfection, her burning de-sire to prove her love was not yet satisfied. She wanted to give even more! So she bound herself by a vow "to give to God anything that He may ask—'Not to refuse Him anything' "8—choosing to be con-sidered accountable "under pain of mortal sin."9
She knew well that the consequence of a mortal sin was the death of God's life in the soul and ultimately, if unrepented, the loss of friendship with Him for all eternity. The thought of even a mo-mentary separation from Him by a single offense was for her un-bearable. Refusing anything to the One she loved was for her equivalent to the pain of eternal doom. Thus she decided to con¬sider even the smallest voluntary fault, the slightest refusal to sub¬mit to His will, as the greatest offense. "Ask Jesus not to allow me to refuse Him anything, however small," she later wrote to her spiri¬tual director. "I [would] rather die."10 Every new step in her life would be a new opportunity to testify to her fidelity to that promise.
With her vow, Mother Teresa aimed at perfect interior compli-ance to what was most pleasing to God even in the smallest detail. Hence the vow implied a commitment to discern carefully the slightest manifestations of God's will in people, events, and things. This habitual and loving attentiveness to the present moment called for inner silence and recollection. "In the silence of the heart God speaks," Mother Teresa would often say, with a conviction that sprang from being constantly attuned to His voice.
The Blessedness of Submission
Mother Teresa was not afraid to make such a serious commitment, though this implied renouncing her own will at each moment. She knew that God loved her and she trusted that His will for her would

Something Very Beautiful for Jesus 33
be an expression of that unfailing love, however difficult or impossible it might be at times to fathom His designs. Conse-
ntly even when she was challenged seemingly beyond her abil-. jjer previous experiences that God had never failed her assured her that she could take the risk once again. Only this certainty that she was loved unconditionally could have given her enough confi¬dence to abandon herself to God so completely and without reserve. "Under pain of mortal sin" was indeed without reserve.
The gravity of her commitment did not make her gloomy or de-spondent. On the contrary, she was "full of fun" and "enjoyed everything that went on."11 Her joy was not just a matter of tem-perament; it was, rather, the fruit of the "blessedness of submis-sion"12 that she lived. "When I see someone sad," she would say, "I always think, she is refusing something to Jesus.'"3 It was in giving Jesus whatever He asked that she found her deepest and lasting joy; in giving Him joy she found her own joy.
Cheerfulness is a sign of a generous and mortified person who forgetting all things, even herself, tries to please her God in all she does for souls. Cheerfulness is often a cloak which hides a life of sacrifice, continual union with God, fervor and generosity. A person who has this gift of cheerfulness very often reaches a great height of perfection. For God loves a cheerful giver14 and He takes close to His heart the religious He loves.15
The Vow in Daily Life
Mother Teresa's secret vow touched all aspects of her daily life. Or-dinary as well as exceptional moments became opportunities to wel¬come His will and respond by doing "something beautiful for God."

34 Mother Teresa

Like her patroness, St. Therese of Lisieux, Mother Teresa aimed at "profiting by all the smallest things, and doing them through love."'6 Later she explained to her sisters:
To the good God nothing is little because He is so great and we so small—that is why He stoops down and takes the trouble to make those little things for us—to give us a chance to prove our love for Him. Because He makes them, they are very great. He cannot make anything small; they are infinite. Yes my dear children, be faithful in little practices of love, of little sacrifices— of the little interior mortification—of little fidelities to Rule, which will build in you the life of holiness—make you Christ-like.
She would again insist: "Don't look for big things, just do small things with great love.... The smaller the thing, the greater must be our love."17 She lived this principle in whatever she was doing throughout each day. Whether it was big or small mattered not to her; everything she did was an opportunity to love.
Prompted by her vow, Mother Teresa also developed the habit of responding immediately to the demands of the present moment. A strong impulse to act without delay—once she was certain that it was God's will for her—was a notable characteristic of all her un-dertakings. At times this swiftness to act was misinterpreted and taken for impetuousness and lack of prudence. Many years later, in an attempt to clarify one occasion of misunderstanding, she would explain to Archbishop Perier that the private vow she had made many years before was the hidden reason for her urgency.
I have never told Your Grace the cause of my wanting to act at once. In 1942—I wanted to give Jesus something without reserve—With the permission of my confessor, I made a vow to God—binding under Mortal Sin—to give to God anything that

Something Very Beautiful for Jesus 35
He may ask, "Not to refuse Him anything." For these 17 years I have tried [to be faithful to that vow], and this is the reason why I want to act at once. It is for Your Grace to prevent me, and when you say, "No," I am certain that my vow is all right, for then I don't refuse God my submission. In this point, there has never been a doubt in my soul. Because I have always put them before you and Fr. C. Van Exem and each time your "Yes" or "No" has satisfied me as the will of God.18
"Extraordinary in Her Sacrifice"
In April 1942, when Mother Teresa made this remarkable vow, the involvement of India in World War II was disrupting the life of her community and school, and her resolve not to refuse God anything would be put to the test. The British Army requisitioned St. Mary's School as a military hospital and, as a result, all nuns and boarders had to leave Calcutta. The English section of the school was moved to Simla, while the Bengali section, with about a hundred boarding girls,19 was evacuated to Morapai. A few months later, the Bengali section returned to Calcutta and resumed school activities in rented quarters until 1946. One of the boarders remembered the decisive role Mother Teresa played in those difficult years:
: is At that time our financial condition was very bad. Loreto sisters used to look after us. We were depending on them. Mother used to help us in education. She used to do many things for the girls. When there was no place in 15 Convent Road either to sleep or study, she started looking for places. After that she found a place at 14 Canal Street. The building had four big rooms and a hall. ^>he rented those rooms. Everyday in the morning she used to go with the girls there. They used to stay there the whole day,

36 Mother Teresa
bathing, studying and spend the whole day there. In the evening, as soon as the classes were over, Mother used to take us back to St. Mary's [school on Convent Road].20
As the number of nuns caring for the boarders was reduced, most of the practical concerns for running the house fell on Mother Teresa's shoulders, in addition to her already demanding duties of teaching classes and overseeing the girls. After a few months of bearing these responsibilities she became seriously ill. In September 1942 a Croatian missionary in Bengal reported: "Mother Teresa was very sick, so they did not have much hope that she would survive; but now she is again on her feet and works for ten."21 One of her pupils enriches this account with some details: "During World War II, there was no teacher from class 4 to class 10. Mother took all the classes and she kept us busy in order to make us forget and over-come our fear."22
Added to these hardships was the Bengal famine of 1942-1943, which took the lives of at least two million people. As the sisters and students began to suffer from food shortages, Mother Teresa, who had pledged to refuse nothing to God, in turn trusted that God would not refuse anything to her. One of her former students re¬members, "One day, there was no food left. At 8:00 a.m. Mother [Teresa] told us: 'I am going out children, you stay in the chapel and pray.' By 4:00 p.m. the godown23 was full of different kinds of veg¬etables. We could not believe our eyes."24
In 1944 Mother Teresa was appointed the principal of St. Mary's as well as the de facto superior of the Daughters of St. Anne (the Bengali congregation affiliated with Loreto). She welcomed these new duties as coming from the hand of God. Though efficient and exacting in carrying out her responsibilities, she was not stricter with others than she was with herself. Her example inspired those around her. One of her sisters noted: "She is an utterly selfless crea-

Something Very Beautiful for Jesus 37
She is extraordinary in her sacrifice. She can do anything for love of God, endure any humiliation or suffering."25
In her readiness to meet every manifestation of God's will with
eager "Yes," Mother Teresa at times ventured into very perilous
situations. In August 1946 the Hindu-Muslim conflict broke out in Calcutta, unleashing massive violence. "The Day of Great Killing," as it was later called, left five thousand dead on the streets and at
least ten times more wounded. All activities in the city, including the
provision of food, were stopped. Compelled by the needs of her
pupils, Mother Teresa decided to leave the safety of the convent
walls in search of food.
I went out from St. Mary's, Entally. I had three hundred girls in the boarding school and we had nothing to eat. We were not supposed to go out into the streets, but I went anyway. Then I saw the bodies on the streets, stabbed, beaten, lying there in strange positions, in their dried blood. We had been behind our safe walls. We knew that there had been rioting. People had been jumping over our walls, first a Hindu, then a Muslim.... We took in each one and helped him to escape safely. When I went out on the street, only then did I see the death that was following them. A lorry full of soldiers stopped me and told me I should not be out on the street. No one should be out, they said. I told them I had to come out and take the risk; I had three hundred students who had nothing to eat. The soldiers had rice and they drove me back to the school and unloaded bags of rice.26
It was not Mother Teresa's superiors who demanded or expected that she put her life at risk. Nor did her responsibility for the girls under her charge oblige her to brave the streets of the blood-bathed C1ty- Rather she chose to go. In the depths of her heart she may have perceived the call of the One to whom she had pledged to give any-

38 Motber Teresa
thing that He might ask. And she would not refuse! She entrusted herself to His providential intervention and her trust was rewarded. There may have been many moments when her fidelity to her pri-vate vow was challenged, but with each new "Yes" she emerged more intimately united with the Lord to whom she was ready to give "even life itself."
Only with God's Grace
Mother Teresa never lost the keen awareness of her own weakness, limitation, and poverty. Only God's assistance, His constant grace, would make sustained faithfulness possible. As she would later ex-plain, she was ali too aware that "we can refuse Christ just as we re¬fuse others: I will not give you my hands to work with, my eyes to see with, my feet to walk with, my mind to study with, my heart to love with. You knock at the door but I will not open. I will not give You the key of my heart."27 Hence Mother Teresa would always ask others for the support of prayers.
Mother Teresa's vow was a providential preparation for the mis¬sion that lay ahead of her. Her pledge "not to refuse Hirn anything" expressed her firm resolution to set no limit to God's plans for her. Jesus, for His part, took her at her word. Four years later, Mother Teresa would receive a new call from Jesus in which He would echo the very vow she had made to Hirn.